Lately I’ve really been thinking about relationships. Both romantic relationships and friendships. Why do my relationships never last long? As far as girlfriends go, I’ve never been with someone for more than a year. In the end, it was usually my fault. I’m just not mature enough yet to devote a large amount of time to anyone. And with friendships, I’m never willing to put in more effort into making them work. Then I wonder why I don’t have any REAL friends. I mean, I have a lot of people who I can hang out with, but I don’t think I have many friends who actually care about me as a person. I can definitely count them on ONE hand. Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because I think I’ve finally figured it out: I need to get right with God. This whole year, I’ve been asking God, “why can’t I be in a relationship? Why don’t I have any close/best friends?” I kept treating Him like a genie in a bottle and I expected Him to make it happen. And after an entire school year when nothing happened, I was confused and a little frustrated. But now it all makes sense. GOD WAS TRYING TO GET MY ATTENTION. I should be focusing on Him. I need to put Him first. The reason I can’t open up to any person fully is because I haven’t even opened up to Him yet. I wanted to be in control of my life and make all these demands and decisions and it wasn’t working out. But now I realized that putting God above all and letting Him take over is what’s gonna be best for me. In addition, I need to start taking initiative and start CARING about people. Having people to hang out with is nice, but I want friends to care about and love and who, in return, will love and care for me. So thanks, God. You’ve really been working on me lately and I’ve finally decided to surrender it all to you. Of course, I will mess up and make mistakes. I’m human. But your grace and mercy will always be there. I love you for that. In the meantime, this summer will be spent focusing on God and forming relationships with actual substance. It’s time to start caring and loving on people.
I mess up SO much. Everyday. I am a sinner by nature and I constantly fail. But I don’t have to continue living like this…Jesus paid my debt at the cross and I am so grateful and blessed. I can’t even put it into words. I am so unworthy of all the unconditional love that God has for me. AHHHHH. Who else would die for people that hate Him and treat Him like nothing? AND still love us regardless of our rejection? Dang….I need to get back into my devotions/quiet time more regularly. This is crazy! I gotta remember that my relationship with God is not a destination, but a journey. Everyday, living and learning. I’m just trying to become a better person and live that way that I was meant to live…
College means $$$
So during this break I’ve had time to think about college. Everybody knows how expensive college is gonna be and tuition goes up every year. I used to want to settle for whatever college was the cheapest. But, now that I’ve gotten into my dream school, I’ve decided that I can’t pass it up just because I cant afford it. I mean, I really cannot afford it. But I know financial aid will cover up a good portion of it. & then there’s loans. I used to be terrified of taking out a loan, but unless you’re rich, there aren’t really many other options. I’ve applied for a number of scholarships, but I haven’t gotten any. I’m gonna keep applying but still. So yeah, I’m probably gonna take out a loan or two. I’ll have years to pay it back after I graduate. But that’s college. They’re preparing you for an amazing career where you’ll have money to pay back the loans and more. It may take time, but I’ve got plenty of it. Why am I in a rush? Life is way too short. I don’t wanna have to worry about money. I just wanna live now. & right now I wanna go to my dream school no matter how expensive it may be. But I titled this “college means $$$” because college is gonna cost a lot of money. But ya gotta spend money to make money. I don’t want anything to be handed down to me. I wanna work hard for what I get. I wanna earn it. Nothing comes easy. So yeah, college means $$$.
So here’s what’s going through my mind.
I need to shower. I haven’t eaten real food all day, just junk food. I need to make more room for songs on my ipod. I need to apply for scholarships. I need a haircut. I need to put a screen cover on my ipod. I love that I’ve been praying a lot more often. & today was a good day.
Writing a post about your thoughts and true feelings but saving it as a draft instead of posting it. Yup. Life.
So I did laundry today. I also dusted my room and now it’s all clean. I changed my sheets so I can’t wait to sleep tonight! Also I just remembered I have some new purple boxer briefs! & I have about 3 fans going in my room right now. Also, all I’ve eaten today was a chocolate chip muffin. I’m hungry again. I’ve drunken so much water this weekend. I might go to the mall for a bit today. Link Crew Training for the next two days. Last full week of summer vacation. I’m fine with it. These are my thoughts for today.
I have a lot to think about.
yeah. I need to do what I have to do. Life goes on, I must remember that. I am young. Every little bad thing will not lead to the end of my life. One thing I’ve learned recently is to just go for it and not hold back. & that’s what I’m gonna do.